Beginnings: Aging--it Ain't for Sissies!

Beginnings: Aging--it Ain't for Sissies!: Since this Blog is, at least in part, about "Adventures." I've decided to write about our current/on-going adventure. Let me j...

Maybe it's not Patience, Maybe its Support...

This blog, and my writings, are an outlet for me. Often, as in the case of this introduction, the writing is free-flow. I don't always start with "the end in mind." The relative anonymity of having no idea who reads these ramblings, while allowing me to get some of my "issues" out of my own head, are cathartic.  I am not comfortable sharing my issues and challenges with others, in person. In real life, I'm pretty private. I don't turn to family or friends very often for solace or advice.  Even when Haime was, well, Haime, I was not completely open with him. Yes, I know, that, in itself, is another "issue." 

Since this latest chapter in our journey has begun, I've asked for prayers for patience. I pray continually for patience...some days, I have plenty, However, there are those other days when I just lose it!!! 

Those days, I berate myself, I hate the certified bitch that I am, I find myself in a dark, dark place and I hate it! My brain knows the mood swings and related symptoms that Hymie is having are just part of the disease. I know he isn't aware of his narcissism, that his laser focus on his wants, over the wants and needs of others is part of the process. Intellectually, I know that his "Rain Man" traits of repeating the same thing/question/reminder is not being done to find and cut away at my last reserve of tolerance but IT DOES!!! and my darkness descends again... 

Carolyn Wagner shared the following, and its just about perfect:

I get angry because I'm overwhelmed by my responsibilities.

I get angry because I'm terrified that I'm not doing this right.

I get angry because I feel out of control.

I get angry because I feel alone and unsupported.

This overwhelm, worry, self-doubt, and loneliness is what needs to be addressed;

the anger doesn't need to be shamed.

Unfortunately, Ms. Wagner didn't share the "how" to have the worry, self-doubt and loneliness addressed. I've realized lately that the thing I miss most about our old journey together is intimacy. Not sexual intimacy, rather, the intimacy of shared stories; the plans, hopes and dreams for the future; the ability to "talk out" and make decisions jointly. Those things are mostly gone for us. 

Thankfully, Haime still has some "lucid" times. I really try and capture and take advantage of those times and ask for his input or ideas when I recognize his lucidity. I am joyful and thankful and happy again in those times. Unfortunately, when the lucidity is gone, he often has no memory of what we discussed. That's when the loneliness is even greater.

I know there are thousands of caregivers who are going through these same things and thousands more who have already made this journey. It's not a "travel" club that anyone wants to join. As I reread everything I've written in this post to this point, I think "geez, whine much?" As I wrote in the opening, I use this forum to get some of these issues out of my head. AND, if I'm being honest, I guess I just want to bitch. This way, anyone who gets tired of my "sharing" can simply stop reading and they won't worry about hurting my feelings. 

Be well, dear reader. When you are lucky enough to find someone that you love and cherish, hold tight to all the adventures and joy and memories. Celebrate life together and hold the memories of those celebrations tight in your heart. Thank you for permitting me to "blow off some steam." 

TTFN

Lois

 

Aging--it Ain't for Sissies!

Since this Blog is, at least in part, about "Adventures." I've decided to write about our current/on-going adventure. Let me just start by saying that I love life. It has mostly given me so many gifts and joy and opportunities. 

Well, Hamie and I are living another "adventure." I'm not going to lie, this one is not fun. It's hard. It slaps me in the face ALL THE TIME, reminding me that I need to learn or find or grow some patience! It's the dementia adventure and it SUX! Living with and loving someone with dementia is in the top three hardest things you can do. 

In the beginning, the person you love is forgetful. Maybe they need help remembering someone's name or where something they use everyday, is kept. You don't really think about it because we all have lapses or "brain farts" and need reminders. However, you start to notice that the forgetfulness becomes more frequent, pervasive and widespread. Then, you notice that you are answering the same questions...again and again. Simple tasks become difficult.  Confusion is common.

You start worrying about this new normal so you start asking your partner's medical team questions. If you're lucky, you'll be taken seriously right away. If not, you'll hear things like: "I don't see what your talking about." Your partner will, by this time be good at covering for himself and offering plausible explanations.

In our case, I was initially made to feel that things were not as bad as I was describing. I questioned myself many times. As the weeks and months went on, the things I was noticing became more pronounced. Then the "decline" accelerated. It was SCARY and FRUSTRATING!!! Finally, however, his medical team agreed that NOW they saw what I had been describing for a couple of years. Even though I knew what the diagnosis was going to be, it was an initial shot to the heart to hear the word spoken aloud.

So, now the enemy had a name. One that the patient will not accept and/or claims was never mentioned. He was prescribed a medication that we were told will not stop the enemy but "may" slow its progress. Fortunately, that has been the case.

Some parts of some days, the person you've spent 30 years with, is back. They talk about some cherished memories that you share and you think, "Thank you God!" Then, you realize that all the memories are old ones. The more recent events are "fuzzy" or not remembered. However, at least there are some that make you both smile. 

Other days, you wonder how the hell you are going to hang on to your own sanity. Everything you do and say for and to your partner is questioned...and questioned...and questioned. You hear accusatory remarks and comments about how you "never used to do that..." When you answer a question, it is a trap for your partner to engage you in an argument so you start giving answers with "hmmm, what do you think"; or "I don't know"; or "I don't remember". Unfortunately, even these don't always work. I honestly don't know where the desire to "pick a fight" comes from. Maybe its an attempt to hang on, to assert some semblance of control over his world, I just know it only adds to the fear and frustration.

You realize that the person you have loved and cherished and cared for and made a wonderful life with is going a way, a little at a time. You look at them, when they don't know it and you start to grieve for the loss of the person they were. SO, you learn to cherish the remembered moments and events all the more.  If you've read this through, I ask that you whisper a prayer for all people with dementia, in all its forms. Their care givers could use a "Dear God, give them patience" too. 

No, aging AIN'T for sissies!

Lois

Beginnings: Maybe Love Really is all That You Need.

Beginnings: Maybe Love Really is all That You Need.: I've started, stopped, edited and restarted this post several times in the past SEVERAL weeks. Lets see if I can get all the way throug...

Maybe Love Really is all That You Need.

I've started, stopped, edited and restarted this post several times in the past SEVERAL weeks. Lets see if I can get all the way through it this time:

As I get older, wait, lets say more experienced, yes, I like that better. I've found that its very true that Love comes in many forms and is found in many places. The last several weeks have been a testament to that...

Haime and I celebrated another year of being a family unit, marriage, and a co-support system  (Yes, I know, how sappy can you be to be married on Valentine's Day?), (Jeff, we really were married by a Balinese cleric...in Vegas, no less)! Our love is strong. We've weathered serious medical conditions, deaths of family members and dear friends, marriages of our children, births of grandchildren, geographic relocations, job changes and the "everydayness" of life and have continued to be each other's love and support.

 We love the times we spend with our children and grandchildren, friends and family. (We also enjoy a nice adult beverage from time to time...just keeping it real). We love our faith and our church. In other words, life is really a precious gift for us. One that we hold dear.

I am troubled, however by so many of the things, outside our insular unit, that are seemingly beyond my control. Am I being hypersensitive about the apparent turn from the basic guidelines of "Do unto others," and "Love thy Neighbor," and "Feed the Hungry," etc? I have become so disheartened that I find myself building barriers to keep from having to endure conversations, sensationalisms, and some target speech. I find that I am limiting my social activities and personal interactions because some have begun to cause me heart-felt, physical and emotional distress.

I am troubled by the "us vs them" syndrome that I see taking place. Why does it seem that it takes a horrible tragedy to bring together, people of differing points of view? Why does it seem that we are only likely to help others who fall victim to some catastrophe, if we know them or they come from our community or they look like us or they worship as we do ourselves?  Why are we bothered by whom others love?

Yes, I know, I sound like Poly-Anna again or some "crazy liberal" or that I'm pointing fingers...I'm honestly not doing any of those things...(well, OK, I probably am more left of center than some others). I know that in building my personal boundary's, I am not doing anything to mend the bigger picture. I am unwilling to deal with the bigger issues and that makes me part of the problem. Although I believe that those of us with "more" should care for those with "less;" I don't really do anything to make a difference. Of course, I donate to various charities and I recycle more than I "trash," I check in on friends and family who might need help with something or other, but I don't do anything that is out of my comfort zone.

How do we get back to building bridges with one another? YES, there are some scary-as-hell things going on in the world and its frightening-as-hell to read the news or listen to the dooms-day-sensationalists on the idiot box but how the hell do we go back to loving and caring and listening and supporting each other?

Is it through love? If so, how do we love? How do we stop the fear and loathing and begin to trust again? I honestly believe it begins with and through love...I just don't know how we are going to make it happen.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.

TTFN,

Love ya,

Lois

Beginnings: Just getting you "caught-up"

Beginnings: Just getting you "caught-up": I've been asked why I haven't posted to this blog recently. The honest answer is that I just haven't. Life in our little corn...

Just getting you "caught-up"

I've been asked why I haven't posted to this blog recently. The honest answer is that I just haven't. Life in our little corner of the world has been interesting, crazy, full, busy...well you get the idea. From July through Christmas, I often felt like I was in the front car of a roller coaster, speeding out of control while my hair was on fire, (picture that, why don'tcha). Honestly, I love the chaotic pace. It keeps me on my toes and prevents boredom.

Let me give you the "Reader's Digest" version of our lives since July.
We welcomed two new grand's. Haime's grandson is a proud papa of Haime's first great-grand. She is a beautiful little girl. Unfortunately, she and her family live about 1500 miles east of us. About a week later, we welcomed another beautiful little girl, my granddaughter. Our hearts are bursting! Then, after spending every weekend, (literally), and most week days, hunting, buying, refurbishing and building items for our annual church festival, (thanks Candee and Bob for helping nearly every step along the way), we auctioned off our treasures and waved goodbye to that business at the end of September.

October consisted of travel and  weddings. First mom and I took a cruise to two ports in Canada then to Maine and Rhode Island. I'm so glad that she is back to her old self and is able to be my "travel buddy again." Haime and I  literally had three weddings on three consecutive weekends. One
of those weekends was Reece and Chelsea's wedding. We all had a job to do and I think we did them well.

Haime and I travelled to Maryland, Pennsylvania and Virginia. We visited his daughter and her husband in their beautiful home which is a repurposed barn; did a bit of touring and attended his grandson's renewal of wedding vows ceremony. The countryside was breathtaking, the ceremony beautiful and it was great to get away for a little R & R. By then it was time to ready our home for the holidays, and host friends for a Thanksgiving dinner.


Mom and I travelled to Arkansas to watch my nephew walk the stage as he graduated from the University in Fayetteville. To say he was excited would be a GROSS understatement. We are all very proud of him. We returned just in time to celebrate Christmas with mom's siblings and their families as we do every year. The turnout was smaller than we would have liked but those of us that braved the crazy cold weather had a great time.

Of course Christmas followed. It was fabulous. We celebrated with family and friends so the love was tangible.

A funny thing happened after New Years...I awoke to NO PLANS! That is to say, no one was making demands of my time. I had no deadlines for project completion. No projects that I'd started and needed to finish...NOTHING! It was wonderful...for a day. Then I found myself in a funk. I was bored. I had crashed from months of  non-stop activity and I was not handling it well. So after a couple of days of starting clear closets and drawers, I found a new project...

I found that I had way to many leftover fabric pieces from previous projects this year. I decided that I was not going to be a "crazy fabric hoarder lady," (I come from a line of such people so I recognized the beginnings of the ailment). I decided to put those leftovers to use and pieced them together in a quilt top. Then, in the spirit of "using what I have," I cut apart several pairs of old sweat pants and shirts, sewed them to each other and used them for the "batting." The backing of the quilt is an old sheet. It is possibly the worst quilting job I've ever done because the thing is "HEAVY" and I used my $99 machine that I purchased at Wal~mart several years ago. The top looks pretty good and it is WARM! I won't share with you the nickname I gave this little endeavor, suffice it to say that it reflects the crazy number of hours required to finish it.

In the end, it did the job. My funk is passed and I'm ready to hit the ground running. I've started walking again, though I will not be going back to Spain this year. In fact, this is going to be a year of "stay-cations." I've challenged myself to rebuild my travel budget and see how much money I can save simply by reusing, repurposing, reinventing and reducing. So, the yard and gardens will probably look better than they have in years and I plan to tackle some more of the projects that I've saved on Pinterest and I'm boarding the "diet wagon" again (probably should be called the yo-yo wagon).

So, if you have a project with which you need help, or ideas for fun adventures for a stay-cationer...give me a shout.

Happy new year everyone.

Love and Hugs
TTFN

Lois