Beginnings: Aging--it Ain't for Sissies!

Beginnings: Aging--it Ain't for Sissies!: Since this Blog is, at least in part, about "Adventures." I've decided to write about our current/on-going adventure. Let me j...

Maybe it's not Patience, Maybe its Support...

This blog, and my writings, are an outlet for me. Often, as in the case of this introduction, the writing is free-flow. I don't always start with "the end in mind." The relative anonymity of having no idea who reads these ramblings, while allowing me to get some of my "issues" out of my own head, are cathartic.  I am not comfortable sharing my issues and challenges with others, in person. In real life, I'm pretty private. I don't turn to family or friends very often for solace or advice.  Even when Haime was, well, Haime, I was not completely open with him. Yes, I know, that, in itself, is another "issue." 

Since this latest chapter in our journey has begun, I've asked for prayers for patience. I pray continually for patience...some days, I have plenty, However, there are those other days when I just lose it!!! 

Those days, I berate myself, I hate the certified bitch that I am, I find myself in a dark, dark place and I hate it! My brain knows the mood swings and related symptoms that Hymie is having are just part of the disease. I know he isn't aware of his narcissism, that his laser focus on his wants, over the wants and needs of others is part of the process. Intellectually, I know that his "Rain Man" traits of repeating the same thing/question/reminder is not being done to find and cut away at my last reserve of tolerance but IT DOES!!! and my darkness descends again... 

Carolyn Wagner shared the following, and its just about perfect:

I get angry because I'm overwhelmed by my responsibilities.

I get angry because I'm terrified that I'm not doing this right.

I get angry because I feel out of control.

I get angry because I feel alone and unsupported.

This overwhelm, worry, self-doubt, and loneliness is what needs to be addressed;

the anger doesn't need to be shamed.

Unfortunately, Ms. Wagner didn't share the "how" to have the worry, self-doubt and loneliness addressed. I've realized lately that the thing I miss most about our old journey together is intimacy. Not sexual intimacy, rather, the intimacy of shared stories; the plans, hopes and dreams for the future; the ability to "talk out" and make decisions jointly. Those things are mostly gone for us. 

Thankfully, Haime still has some "lucid" times. I really try and capture and take advantage of those times and ask for his input or ideas when I recognize his lucidity. I am joyful and thankful and happy again in those times. Unfortunately, when the lucidity is gone, he often has no memory of what we discussed. That's when the loneliness is even greater.

I know there are thousands of caregivers who are going through these same things and thousands more who have already made this journey. It's not a "travel" club that anyone wants to join. As I reread everything I've written in this post to this point, I think "geez, whine much?" As I wrote in the opening, I use this forum to get some of these issues out of my head. AND, if I'm being honest, I guess I just want to bitch. This way, anyone who gets tired of my "sharing" can simply stop reading and they won't worry about hurting my feelings. 

Be well, dear reader. When you are lucky enough to find someone that you love and cherish, hold tight to all the adventures and joy and memories. Celebrate life together and hold the memories of those celebrations tight in your heart. Thank you for permitting me to "blow off some steam." 

TTFN

Lois